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Stephanie, I read your post about what to do when your bf doesn’t text you bk and thought I’d ask for advice.
I’ve only been officially with my bf now since July. When we first started talking I didn’t even realize that he liked me until he flat out said it and I turned him down twice before I finally gave in and decided to give him a chance. We soon realized that we both liked each other a lot and things went well. This happened at the end of last school yr and we talked all summer, everyday and almost all day. We spent almost every wknd together and some weekdays. At first the only thing we had trouble with was other ppl not approving of our relationship because of jealousy and the whole racial thing (I don’t have a problem with us being different races and neither does he but some of my friends do).
About a few wks before xmas break, he stopped asking me to come over on the wknds and we hardly talked at all. He’s not much of a talker on the phone so we mainly texted but he would call sometimes and never minded when I would call. Anyway, he started by only texted me very late at night, like 11pm then midnight and he even waited until 2:30am once.
Then, he would go days without talking to me and I just assumed he was busy because he likes to procrastinate and leave all of his school work to do until the last minute. When I questioned him about it, it turned out that I was right, he said he had been studying all night and had a lot of projects to do.
I acted like it didn’t bother me, but apparently he could tell something was wrong from the way I was texting him. He would constantly ask me what was wrong. I finally decided to tell him that I didn’t like how late he was texting me, how I never saw him anymore and how he hadn’t texted me for a few days in a row without any explanation.
All he had to say was “sorry I’ve been shitty lately” with a sad face. I told him it was ok, thinking that things would get better. I was wrong…he started texting me a little earlier, like around 9 or 10pm and then it was back to midnight. I figured, the last wk before we went home for break, that we would at least see each other once, but as the wk went on I soon realized that it didn’t look like I was going to see him.
He used to always tell me how much he missed me and wanted to see me after only going a couple days apart. It’s been wks since we’ve seen each other and he doesn’t even seem to care. He talked to me like I was supposed to be ok with not seeing him and like nothing was wrong. I have been feeling like something was wrong for a while now and don’t know if I’m just paranoid or what.
It’s not normal for him to go this long without talking to me. I texted him once last night but he didn’t respond.
Okay hun listen, I absolutely know what you’re talking about and here’s my take on it.
This is a classic example of a guy not getting bored, but…. getting complacent. Ever heard of the term familiarity breeds contempt? You have quickly became a chore to him. Please do not become offended because it is NOT about you, your essence or your personality. He liked these things when he asked you out. And you are still you, provided you don’t lose yourself which is exactly what you’re doing.
When he first texted you at 2:30 am, did you text back? If so, that was your first mistake. A mistake that has served as a response to his first “bullshit-test”. What I mean is, when he first started texting you late at night he was testing to see if you would take it. It was deliberate, to see how far he can push you. To see if you are a walkover. (And by the way, he may not even have REALISED it at the time, but he still subconsciously did it…)
Let me tell you something. It doesn’t matter how many “projects”, exams, work shifts or things a man has on his plate – if he loves you and is scared to lose you he will always put you first. Imagine if he had all of these things on his plate when he first started going out with you – after he finally managed to persuade you to go out with him. Do you think he would be so careless, not texting you back for ages? No. He wouldn’t want to rock the boat, he would want to make sure he has you.
Sometimes he may be super super busy and may not have a lot of time for you BUT if he cares for you he will make sure to still be in contact and will certainly not wait until the early morning hours. You should be supportive of him but only if he treats you right. This guy is dishing you out shit.
Now he is 100% sure he has you and he can see that he almost has this control over you because you have shown him that his bullshit is bothering you. Even if it does bother you, you need to stay calm (and I know that’s so hard to do in these situations, especially if it gets worse) and even show that your eyes are open to other potential guys as he is not living up to your expectations to simply be treated right. Please do not stay up waiting for him to text you. NEVER withhold sleep for him (unless it’s an emergency). That means he definitely has a hold of you.
Play him at his own game. Yes, I said it. It’s not nice that we have to be like this with men and it takes a lot of willpower. But with guys like this it’s what you have to do every now and again, sadly. What you need is a guy who won’t play games with you, but unfortunately many do. So you need to make sure he knows that you are confident in yourself and don’t take his shit. He’ll probably be attracted to you all over again and you may see a difference in his behaviour.
So my advice to you is to get busy. Do what makes you feel good about yourself and your life. Paint your nails, condition your hair, go for drinks with the girls (or with guy mates..) and concentrate on being happy. When you talk to him, be nice, friendly and pleasant. Just like you were at the start. Don’t nag, moan or argue to get what you want – be unavailable.
I think when you have to play games with a guy he’s not right for you. But I also think it’s okay to play games when you’re young. So I would say either get rid of him or show him you don’t take bullshit in a relationship. It’s far better than being needy, waiting for him to throw you crumbs meanwhile neglecting your own life.
Hope this helps!
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